How to Write Erotica…to Make Money.

At this point in my career I have been building an audience for my novels and blog, and I am so lucky and thankful that all of you bother to read my work. But one thing you’ll know if you’ve been a reader since the start is that I never pretend my passion isn’t also a business. I love to write. I love naughty bits. So I write about people’s naughty bits meeting and doing naughty things. It seemed rather sensible since I’ve  written erotica from the time I understood the sex act. Erotica is a genre that can be lucrative and disappointing without any rhyme or reason. You can find hundreds of articles and books on writing ebooks in the genre with conflicting and contrasting experiences. The variables of success are endless, but for 2017(wow that feels weird) we can prepare ourselves for the best approaches to consistently publish erotica and make some money from erotica. So let me help you by discussing my observations and experiences thus far.

Most people who get into writing in any genre make it a black and white issue as to whether you’re in it for business or in it for passion. Well, why not both? Money ins’t the end all be all and passion doesn’t put food on the table. In my view a healthy about of pragmatic thinking is the difference between well known authors and authors with regular sales versus unknown authors and authors with low sales. I missed the big erotica booms of 2012 and 2013, but I will say you can make sales if you’re crafty, smart, and figure out your strength.

Now first let me cover a few things you need to know before thinking about writing erotica…

Don’t Think This Is Easy Money. It Is NOT.

4cbc60bcafc44f1d0ac51c17b1096681One of the biggest complaints from people is that so many authors pop up and out after two months. People read these insane articles about authors who quit their jobs and made 20k and more in a few months off one or two books, so they assume it is easy work to make even a fraction of that. They hear the bare bones and decide to become an erotica author to make some cash because it doesn’t seem hard. Partially this is because they assume erotica isn’t “real writing”. But all writing is writing. I personally find article and essay writing (with research included) to be so much easier than erotica. I’ve done both for money and it is night and day with how easy article writing is in comparison to figuring out what is and is not a sexy description. This isn’t an easy or simple field to jump into anymore, if it ever really was. Free sites are your competition, name brand authors are your competition, and putting out consistent stories is what keeps you afloat financially.

Further hundreds of other people probably read those same articles at the exact same time , and got the same idea. The market is fucking flooded and it really is a shame because your books might get buried beneath a thousand stories. Buried beneath a thousand throbbing rods with not escape, so to speak. From my research and conversations, roughly 70% of users tapered off after a month and a half of low sales on the erotica forums. This is constant. A bunch of people come. A bunch of people don’t see that it is work, and they bury those that do, but then vanish. Writing erotica becomes a funny story for buzzfeed or slate, or coffee after dinner. When books don’t sell all those forums, facebook groups, and reddits end up full of inactive users. Amazon, smashwords, nook, and others end up flooded with generally sub-par stories. Meanwhile the authors have tossed up their hands because they didn’t make a thousand dollars in the first month. These are the writers who don’t enjoy the genre, but even those of us who love it can get bruised.

I nearly became one of those fly-by-night authors because I burnt myself out, got discouraged, and then sat on my stories for a few weeks. I expected to make $10 in the first two weeks. It took two months. The sales have no pattern other than they sell about the same rate. So how did I get back into it if I was selling so slowly and so little? I realized the stories you hear about are the exceptional ones, and that if I kept going I could make some nice pocket change for myself. The only people who really fail are the ones who got in over their head and assumed they could bulldoze through the erotica market. The people who stick with it, and built an audience of bother fellow writers and readers are the ones who have long term success. Whether they sell a few hundred books or several thousand they kept writing, kept improving their writing, and they acknowledge writing sexual material takes a ton of hard work. Even those who have failed have said to me “This shit is harder than I thought” once they realized they didn’t enjoy it after page one. You can’t do this half assed. You can’t do this for quick cash.  Writing is  one of the most difficult professions to be in because it is harder than it looks and it is hard because you can’t just write and be assured success. It ain’t easy.bd3e17b7cbb1c79da420d8791a491847

However, if you reorient your approach and intent writing in this genre becomes easier. You have  to approach this as a business and all business takes an extraordinary amount of work. That doesn’t mean it can’t be fun, but even someone who works in a sex shop has to take inventory, be familiar with most of the product, and be able to get people what they need when they come to the store. If you acknowledge this when you begin planning you stories, your persona, and your specialty then you will have a much easier go of it when things are rough.

You have to work at what you’re writing even if it is sex. Chuck Tingle isn’t famous on just laziness. Tingle’s works are parody built on word play, innuendo, and absurdity. Not to mention he is as famous as he is because he was shocking and caught the right attention, but even with that his writing takes work. Crafting the story, building the characters, and molding them in ways that make people turn to the next page (Especially if your book is available on Kindle Unlimited) is key.

And The Sad Truth Is You Will Most Likely Burn Out.

You will run out of words. You will run out of desire. You will want to take a break especially if you make this a full time job. I can turn out four short stories with basic editing in two weeks. If I push myself I could probably do six or eight stories, but that would require 8  hours of writing a day. Writing would not just be a career, but a job of taxing emotional and mental work. Marketing would be another eight hour job of more emotionally and mentally taxing work.  I could do it, but the notion that you can easily do it without any stress, and then be guaranteed to make money is sorta flawed. I will tell you what a writer told me when I first got started, “Most authors I know don’t make consistent money until they have upwards of 30 books and stories on amazon”.

don_t-be-a-slave-to-writer_s-blockThat’s a shit ton of writing for months or years on end. Some people really can turn out a dozen books in six months and a dozen short stories to boot. They are a lucky bunch. But you have to have a plan if you burn out. I took a break and focused on romantic stories instead alongside shorter more scene based works like Suffer Too Good and Dirty Honey. 

Why? These stories are fun for me, but I’ll get back to this in a second.

 

Don’t Have Crazy Expectations.

I don’t expect to rent my first apartment with the money I make from my sales, but I do expect my sales to supplement my income enough where I do have an extra $30+ in my account. Not because I’m aiming low, but because I’m just starting out and while I have a ton of novels started I don’t have an editor and have to take time to edit myself. Further I’m just a realist. Some weeks I get sale after sale, my blog facilitates that. Some weeks that other authors say are hot look like chicken turds on my amazon report. Overall you have to realize that you may not be the next big thing, but you may have nice money to pocket regardless. I don’t know about you, but any money is good money.

So how do you get reasonable expectations?

Figure out what your books are worth. People, especially the fly by nighters, think if they just push a bunch of .99 cent stories of $2.99 stories they have guaranteed sales. Here’s the bloody truth, most people will think you’re writing is poop unless you’re doing short stories. What do you think of a book available for .99 cents without any special considerations? It isn’t a promotional event or presented like a freebie out of a larger collection of works. It just is .99 cents because it is. Most people want their money’s worth and a lot of erotica buyers are regular buyers, so while they want a good deal they want signs of quality. Look at the best sellers in your sub-genre and list the three most common prices for short stories, novellas, and novels. If you’re a new writer I’d suggest setting those common prices for a week or two then dropping price by a few cents or a dollar. That way you’re works are technically “on sale” which usually gets attention on distribute sites. I never sell anything over 5k words for below $3 because I put my heart and joy into my pieces no matter what genre they are.

getmore_clients_become_more_you_value_yourselfYou tell the world what you are worth, and you do it realistically. Don’t be arrogant and don’t try to be Walmart by underselling everyone else because then two things will happen: Other writers will get pissed off and you will have fewer allies(writers also read btw) and you will look bad to consumers. When you price accordingly you can form realistic expectations about how much you’ll make. I have several pen names for different genres of writing and I know exactly what I want to make with every book that is under every pen name.

Do you want to know what the base income I want is? $30 for every two books. Two times seven is 14. 14 books times $30 is $420 dollars. That is an extra $420 a year that I wouldn’t otherwise have. Now, I have high hopes, but let me bring back what my author friend said about authors needing 30 books to break the bank because it matters here. Chances are you have less than 10 buys per book,  unless someone randomly picks it up and loves it enough to recommend. Unfortunately even if your book is good the saturated market may bury it. So your book is set at $4.30 with 70% royalty on Amazon which means you get $3.01 from every sale. You have to convince 10 people to buy your books every month. The biggest asset to getting those people is having reviews. Most people will not leave reviews on amazon. Some books do have 1k reviews, but I have searched through 89 pages of erotica and only found a handful. Of course, the more taboo you get the more likely you are to sell but the smaller your chance of reviews gets. It sounds easy but out of thousands of books it is hard. Some of your books won’t find an audience. Some won’t be to go on Amazon or may get taken down for being too “taboo”(because they arbitrarily decide what is, hence why people say the weekend team is a bunch of prudes). You have to have a game plan. A marketing strat. and a strength within that. I blog because I like it and because I realized all the BS about SEO and social media only works now if you have an audience previously. It’s true.

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After all this…what makes selling erotica work?

Two things change the game for every writer and chime in via the comments if you have opinions on this:

  1. The authors of successful stories have the ability to, if not enjoy, appreciate the sexuality and sensuality of both their characters and what the audience likes.
  2. The author interacts with other authors and books.

 

Before I  say another word let me preface by saying a lot of people assume erotica authors have the same kinks as their characters or experiences….Stop. That’s just not the case. Plenty of “female authors” are men or gender queer people who know female names sell more. Plenty of vanilla women write the kinkiest of bdsm erotica about things they’d never try or talk about in real life except if it is about their books. 

I told you I’d get back to this eventually, didn’t I? Here is a brutal truth…you have to have a positive understanding of your writing. I spoke on this previously and have a longer post about this in the works, but here’s the shorter version: Most people don’t make money on their erotica and burn out because they don’t have any positive feeling or understanding about what the hell they’re writing. They start writing about masochism, but can’t comprehend why their character likes it. They start writing about the sensuality of demonic lovers, but find the concept laughable. They make their lead fall for a billionaire, but find the whole idea contemptuous. While you don’t have to love everything you write, you are best served by trying to grasp it. If you don’t there is a very high likelihood the sort of fun or emotional nuisance your story’s sexuality will require will be non-existent.

The second one sounds like two no brainers, right? Most authors are readers and if you read more you get better. Common sense says seek out other authors. But let me tell you  that so many people write, but then admit they never read. I’m not talking about the college students who temporarily lose a taste due to having to always read or people who take a bit of a break. These are people who will say to your face that “I’m a good writer, but I hate reading”. They want to master a craft without seeing anyone else work with it. They’re swordsmen who never watch people use a sword. They think they’re excellent writers and don’t need to read, but don’t see how they are missing a valuable resource into what readers like, potential inspiration, and what sells.

Not to mention they go onto those facebook pages, post a bunch of ads, and then think they’re going to get something from people.The only people that visit those pages are other authors selling shit, so the best you can do is also buy books. If you are an author or a blogger who doesn’t interact with other authors or bloggers then you’re not using your resources to the best of your abilities. Other authors will review, beta-read, edit, and promote other authors they’ve established a relationship with. If you never interact with people then you’ve limited you resources and your audience. Seek out writing communities, make a point to be active daily, make a point to offer to help out other writers, and don’t just ask for things in return. Give a little bit and you just might be surprised.

Being involved in communities is part of marketing and writing. Most people don’t do it meaningfully unless something is wrong. I like the website scribophile(thus far) because it requires you to interact by critiquing and reading others works. It forces me to so something I may not otherwise do outside of physical workshops. It exposes me to a wider range of individuals, or writers and books. If you seek out other people you broaden the people who may become your audience. In essence you can give yourself value and learn the value of others, which is all platform building is.

Hundreds of authors will sit there and tell you a thousand seemingly detailed, but ultimately vague notions about how they make a ton of money on selling erotic ebooks and how it is the easiest low involvement job in the world. But I’d rather be brutally honest and detailed so you get solid information and experience from someone who has done the research and is doing her damnedest to sell even when she’s terrible at marketing. Everything you heard about this being easy is wrong. Every story about an author breaking banks with their cash is an anomaly.

My word of warning is that if you think you will be able to pop up with a pen name throw together a story and then forget then you are sorely mistaken. Further don’t bother. I’m sorry to be cruel, and  I admit this is even a touch self-serving, but there are a thousand dedicated authors who legitimately should be making more than they are who are buried because some rando thought they ‘d make hundreds in a month without having to do anything but put words on a page and press “publish”. If you are really serious about making a profit then you have to put in the work. If you want to get out a story a month, set a word length goal and write when you can. Have your partner watch the kids, stop playing your favorite video game every day after work, make a meal that lasts a few days for easy leftovers, and make time to write. This isn’t some get rich quick scheme and it is frustrating to see people act like my pursuit isn’t “real writing”, to see awesome authors vanish beneath a tidal wave of one time authors because a bunch of people read Suzy B. Buttholes account of making 30k at the end of 2016.

BUT you can bring in a relatively stable auxiliary income that can be the difference in the long term. If you write with an open mind to kinks you may not share, write with an open mind to the genre at large, recognize that all writing is hard, recognize that it will be difficult, and accept that it will demand a lot of you creativity then you are ready to start making extra income. It will take months  or possibly even years, but it can happen.

Do this because you want to do it and your willing to figure out how this works.  Don’t expect everyone to just go and buy it because you post ads. Don’t expect it to be easy. Don’t expect to make more than a few bucks a month until you have a catalog. Be sincere. Be honest. Be smart. Be friendly. Make money. The trick to making your erotica sell is knowing your strengths and playing to them alongside being willing to connect with people as more than a sales person. If you keep all this in mind as you pursue this weird world of words and sex then you’ll not only do fine, but you’ll do excellent. Just give it time.

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Ugh! Anxiety and Deadlines.

How do you react when you don’t finish a project when you plan? When your doing something that is entirely self-driven schedules help hold you accountable, but sometimes for one reason or another you just don’t meet them. Then you wake up one day and realize “Oh…I was supposed to be done by today.” It’s not a fun feeling, and for me it provokes some anxiety.

So I’m finishing Come at Night, which is the first book of The Marquess series that I was supposed to finish months ago. Why has it taken so long? The story was thicker, better, and more interesting than I initially planned. It went from an erotic short story to a sprawling tale of politics, gender, and redemption. And ,as much as I love the dirty business, I love those things just as much when they’re explored in an interesting way. Still that development wasn’t planned. I wanted to have the book done by Christmas, but at this point I’m only going to be able to deliver the “preview” short story. That’s fine, and that short story will be more than worth its small cost. However it is disappointing to be where I am now.

Yet, as I reflect the importance of realizing how and why you miss a schedule is important because you can prepare better next time….or realize what affected your inability to meet the schedule at that time. So what happened to me? I got tired of writing smut. I’m brand new, but I was spending an average of eight hours a day on several different stories…most of which aren’t finished. Most of which people promised to beta read and edit and…never got back to me on consistently, which lead to me saying “I’ll give them a week…I’ll give them another” because I know I need feedback like any other writer. So I sort of burned myself out…however it was sort of a blessing because then I focused on my other stories. Stories you won’t hear much about, but I will  tell you they’re great. One romance is going to be about 200 pages and I’m on page 50, which is actually amazing because I started the story on the first and have been running around for weeks trying to finish paintings and presents for the holidays. Still…it hasn’t made me feel great.

Not completing a task you set out for yourself can be disheartening, especially because you are entirely responsible for it. Whether you just temporarily burn out like me, or whether you’re pushing yourself constantly to finish there is a struggle to reconcile why you couldn’t finish. It’s depressing, but for those of us building a platform and small business it is worrying. You begin to question if you can do it. You begin to make ideas for change but them worry you can’t do what you need to in order to be successful. Some people balk at me when I describe this and say “It’s your own fault. Have a tougher skin,” as though that makes the feelings about the situation go away. It doesn’t. It may be my fault…and what does that matter? We can be upset at ourselves and the situation and still have “tough skin”. When you’re responsible for your business, your books, your blogs, your livelihood, and your dreams it is frickin scary! That’s the bottom line, and when things don’t go as planned it is even scarier

But to conquer that feeling you just have to accept it.

That is something I’m really struggling with because I’m very scared. I’ve been strong armed into spending money over the holidays to maintain certain relationships I need in my life and I have been forced to buy a new phone by relatives(long story). My finances are more than a little tight, which adds stress and anxiety to my life in general. Now writing isn’t just about the money though if you’d like to buy my books please help a sista out. Writing is what I love to do and it is what I can almost always do at any time of the day. My dream career would be to be a team leader/research in a non-profit organization and also have a career writing on the side. I’ve been writing since I was a child and this career is amazing, but it is never stable and always changing with technology and interest. Every day is a gamble. Heck, blogging is a gamble because people make new blogs every day, and even those that aren’t active for more than a week can bury yours to the bottom of the search pile regardless of SEO keywords.

However, to get to where you want to be you have to take that gamble and accept that sometimes you won’t meet a deadline. Sometimes you will discover that what you’re doing needs more time and care than you can give and you have to put it aside. All you can do is accept that sometimes you won’t meet the deadline and that your anxiety about that is ok and normal. More importantly, you can begin to figure out what to do next time. That won’t fix the now. It won’t let you go back in time and finish the project. But it will let you feel like you’re taking a step forward towards completing the goal. That can be the difference between falling into a funk over the situation and finding a new way to push you to completion next time.

What do you all think?

The Antidote to Self Doubt and “No Service” — A Thousand Bits of Paper

Would you like it? Wouldn’t we all – maybe this post will help. I read an article (link posted at the bottom in further reading) on Self Doubt which inspired this post because I’m not at a writing low point – rather because I’m at a high point. Which sounds paradoxical so I’ll explain further. Right […]

via The Antidote to Self Doubt and “No Service” — A Thousand Bits of Paper

I find this a really interesting  perspective.

Guest Blog: “You don’t have to be perfect to kick anxiety’s ass” by D.D Griggs

You Don’t Have to be Perfect to Kick Anxiety’s Ass.

D.D Griggs

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Take that anxiety!

We all wish we were invulnerable. That is just how it goes. We all wish we could take on the world even if all we need to take on is taking out the garbage. It’s easy to just lose yourself to your anxieties especially as a creative. Whether you are blogging, writing novellas, painting, dancing, directing, or whatever there is an added dimension to dealing with feelings of anxiety, depression, helplessness, and failure. Our works are ours, and that makes it harder. Even if we’re on a team of people the things we bring to the table are wholly ours in a way  other things are not. We create something and it comes from the ether of our minds and our hearts. For that same reason entrepreneurial and small enterprise failures hit extra hard. This makes it so easy to blame ourselves when something goes wrong or just when something doesn’t go 100% like planned. For many of us unless something turns out far better than we imagined it may as well be a complete wash.

Your blog only have 10 followers during week one? Fuck it. Not worth it. You not getting sales day one on your book. Chuck the manuscript out a window! Your yoga website getting subpar views in the third month of its existence? Shut it down.

None of that is about giving up in and of itself. It is about the notion of wasting our time being imperfect and unsuccessful because when things don’t go as planned, especially in business the biggest indicator of societal success, the instinct is to just toss it aside as failed. Humans spend out time bemoaning all the things we could have done. Lord knows I do. So why would you waste our limited time on things that don’t put money in your pocket and keep you fed? But you can’t live life this way. You could have great ideas that need polishing. but they get put aside due to self-doubt. And if you’re like me and have anxiety triggered by a deep fear of falling into or never escaping poverty, of feeling like nothing is falling into place, of feeling your plans just aren’t coming together fast enough than it is more than a little hard to ignore that instinct and all the nagging voices in your head.be-real-embrace-imperfection1-600x600

There are times when I descend into my obsessive thought spiral of existential and personal depression. That’s when the only thing I can think about is my fear of continuing to live as lower class, of my dreams never coming true, of my never leading the life I want to lead, and the distinct feeling of being a failure creeps in. In short I’m not perfect, nd I’m not the sort of perfect I thought I’d be when I became an adult. It hurts like a mother fucker. Not to be vulgar, but it is not a fun place to be. In fact I’d say it is one of the worst places to be in. That is why I work so hard to kick my way out.

Now before I continue I’m going to offer this disclaimer both for Rosie’s sake and mine. Anything I say in my book and here is in no way meant to replace actual therapy or medication. If you are like me and you feel you can cope without those things. I wish you luck because you need it. But don’t think you can just ignore crippling emotional problems with behavioral changes and reading this post. The purpose of this is demonstrate behaviors that can help explain and alleviate anxiety related to feelings of failure. The sort of mental work I’m about to talk about is actually designed to support any changes that occur while on medication. Why? Because a lot of times once you are medicated even when you do feel better your depression and anxiety have taught you how to see the world. Much like a parent or a teacher your struggles with anxiety and depression are with you constantly showing you that life is shit, you are shit, and even once you’re medicated that can’t just be undone. Like a muscle your brain has learned to fire certain neurons down certain pathways, and like a bad habit of biting your nails, you don’t have to consciously think of it.

My book The Art of Teaching Imperfection: Everything No One Ever Taught You refers to a lot of positive thinking and learning to retrain those neurons to go down certain pathways in order to change your thought patterns. It isn’t about simply thinking positive. It is about replacing unhealthy behavior and thoughts to consciously positive ones, learning to minimize your negative behaviors(without developing arrogance), and learning to be compassionate enough to yourself to forgive your failings so you can accept them. The biggest mistake people make with this whole approach is pretending you can just…do it. You can change every thought all the time without any effort. As I often say to my friends “Fuck. That. Noise”. Changing how you think, how you act, and how you respond isn’t some mystical over night thing. It is about practicing a new way of being which is terribly difficult. It is totally worth it, but still difficult. This sort of change demands you reach a new level of being conscious of yourself, a dedication to developing discipline, and being ready for it to take some time.

brene-brown-from-the-gifts-of-imperfectionNo change comes over night. I’m doing Nanowrimo this year and I catch myself bad mouthing my writing, and being afraid to share it all the time. But if I focus on my anxiety and fear, if I don’t try to think thoughts that cancel out and minimize my anxiety I won’t do anything. If I don’t do what I love I won’t be happy. This morning I got up and started to write (at 12k words woo!) and I felt so overly critical. No real reason. Just having one of those days where “This is garbage. Why am I even trying? This is shit and people will say so” plays on a loop in my head. If you find a way to disrupt that loop you can better bulldoze through it. For me disrupting the loop involved reading a part of the story I am very proud of, reminding myself other people have liked my writing in the past, and most of all…allowing myself to not be perfect (because for Heras sake it is a draft). I also told myself “It’s ok to not be perfect. I’m not some horrid person and even the best writers have to improve”. There isn’t a single perfect person on this world and you have to begin accepting that.

You also have to begin doing the really hard part of looking inward and understanding where you anxieties come from whether it is trauma or something more mundane or just purely emotionally driven. Sit down with yourself, or a trusted friend, or a therapist and begin to unpack the sources of your anxieties. Why do you feel like a failure? Why do you feel mediocre? What are you doing that you’d like to change? What triggers your reactions to those feelings? Maybe it is making a mistake at work or being chastised. Maybe it is simply you’re plans never looking like you pictured in your head. It could even be you wish you pursued another life plan. When you sit down to write and you find yourself feeling anxious ask your self why? Ask yourself what you  want to accomplish and what it means if you don’t.

Challenge your reactions, your thoughts, and your feelings because that allows you to think of nicer thoughts. As you do this minimize those mistakes, remind yourself it is ok to make mistakes because mistakes allow you to learn. Don’t say “I fucked up” say “I messed up, but I can do better. I can learn from this and grow”. Say “Just because I’m not buying a house at 30 doesn’t make me a failure. My road may just take a bit longer, but I’ll get there.” You can do many things in this life, and you need to embrace that. You need to stop looking at every flaw as an indictment on your character, but as an opportunity. It’s a lot easier than it sounds, but the more I put my words into practice the more I find myself actually enjoying what I’m doing whether I’m at work or I’m working on my books.

imperfection-is-beautyKicking anxieties ass isn’t something you can do at once. For any fight you need to train and the more you train the better you get. It won’t happen over night, but by learning how you think, and teaching yourself to think better you can begin to tackle the hurdles of those negative and painful emotions. The biggest reason people quit therapy and that it doesn’t work is a refusal to change and a refusal to work at it. Not because people don’t want to get better, but because you have to look inward to be able to change your thinking and acting. That is painful and when people are insisting you just change when you wish you just could the whole notion of positive thinking and Cognitive Behavioral therapy seems childish…even ignorant. But you have to train your mind not because you or it is weak, but because the human mind is an incredibly powerful thing. Once you’ve learned to think a certain way and you act on it time after time your mind is used to it. It becomes natural, and feels like a part of you. sometimes I even wonder who I’d be without my depression, but once again…that’s not a way to live a life. Those negative thought patterns are part of you and changing them is incredibly difficult to do because they’ve set in. Like a wound that closes around shrapnel those things are there…but by  beginning this process of altering your thought patterns, replacing them with new happier ones, and reminding yourself that your mistakes do not define you and are minimal parts of your life you begin to get used to new ways of being.

One of my biggest pet peeves are those people who are over helpful and/or dismissive of mental illness. You know the type “Just go for a walk” or “Just be around people”. It is annoying and insensitive because the fact is plenty of people would do that…if they weren’t too anxious at the thought of going out or too depressed to get out of bed. Usually these people are self-righteous and will list 20 new supplements by herbal companies who are as under handed as snake oil salesmen before listening to you.  Now not all of those people are completely ignorant to what you’re going through. Further there is evidence(I’m too lazy to link, sorry ya’ll) that suggests a correlation between exercise and going out to improvements to mood. But that doesn’t automatically change what’s going on in your head.

You have to buckle down and be willing to work every day to try and treat yourself better than you did the day before. You have to tell yourself that:

  • Everyone makes mistakes
  • You aren’t horrible for making mistakes
  • Just because you get upset doesn’t mean you failed at changing your thinking
  • And it is healthy and ok to be upset and uneasy…
  • But that you also can do your best to take steps to be nicer to yourself…
  • Because you’re only human and begin imperfect doesn’t make you a failure…
  • And not getting to where you think you should be doesn’t mean you’re wasting or have wasted your time!

Every day. This is what you have to tell yourself and you know what? You’re still going to struggle. I know I make my advice sound terrible, but I’m not one of those fly by night self improvement gurus who is going to lie to you to sell a book or an idea or themselves. I am telling you the honest to god truth. Changing who you are and how you operate is a life long process…but every day it gets easier. With every moment you get anxious and you try to practice these tools you’re getting better at them. Every time you allow yourself to accept your imperfections, flaws, mistakes, and your need(like all of our needs) to improve you are doing important work. You are getting better and are better preparing yourself for addressing the internal and external struggles you face.

Transformation takes time, energy, and a dedication. There are far many other steps I didn’t cover here, but I wanted to give you a bit of where I’m coming from and share my approach to addressing my anxiety, depression, and feelings of inadequacy. You deserve to live a happier life and if my approach can help you than it is my obligation to share it. I hope I’ve helped you on your road of transformation. It isn’t easy, but you can do better by yourself and others by being kinder and more compassionate to imperfection both inside and out.

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D.D Griggs is the author of The Art of Teaching Imperfection: Everything No One Ever Taught You a novel aimed at encouraging people to no longer feel like they have to be perfect in a world that defines perfection as the ends and the means of success. She’s struggled with mild depression, anxiety, and being overly critical for much of her life even during her most confident periods these feelings haunted her. While she is still on her journey of making piece with those things she has a powerful approach to it all beginning with accepting our imperfections and then turning them into opportunities. Using a philosophy influenced by Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and sociology she makes a compelling case for how we have all participated in pushing each other to accept nothing less than perfection and how that has crippled us. She then uses basic CBT approaches combined with positive thinking to construct easy to follow means for people to be kinder to themselves. Follow her on Facebook!