Ugh! Anxiety and Deadlines.

How do you react when you don’t finish a project when you plan? When your doing something that is entirely self-driven schedules help hold you accountable, but sometimes for one reason or another you just don’t meet them. Then you wake up one day and realize “Oh…I was supposed to be done by today.” It’s not a fun feeling, and for me it provokes some anxiety.

So I’m finishing Come at Night, which is the first book of The Marquess series that I was supposed to finish months ago. Why has it taken so long? The story was thicker, better, and more interesting than I initially planned. It went from an erotic short story to a sprawling tale of politics, gender, and redemption. And ,as much as I love the dirty business, I love those things just as much when they’re explored in an interesting way. Still that development wasn’t planned. I wanted to have the book done by Christmas, but at this point I’m only going to be able to deliver the “preview” short story. That’s fine, and that short story will be more than worth its small cost. However it is disappointing to be where I am now.

Yet, as I reflect the importance of realizing how and why you miss a schedule is important because you can prepare better next time….or realize what affected your inability to meet the schedule at that time. So what happened to me? I got tired of writing smut. I’m brand new, but I was spending an average of eight hours a day on several different stories…most of which aren’t finished. Most of which people promised to beta read and edit and…never got back to me on consistently, which lead to me saying “I’ll give them a week…I’ll give them another” because I know I need feedback like any other writer. So I sort of burned myself out…however it was sort of a blessing because then I focused on my other stories. Stories you won’t hear much about, but I will  tell you they’re great. One romance is going to be about 200 pages and I’m on page 50, which is actually amazing because I started the story on the first and have been running around for weeks trying to finish paintings and presents for the holidays. Still…it hasn’t made me feel great.

Not completing a task you set out for yourself can be disheartening, especially because you are entirely responsible for it. Whether you just temporarily burn out like me, or whether you’re pushing yourself constantly to finish there is a struggle to reconcile why you couldn’t finish. It’s depressing, but for those of us building a platform and small business it is worrying. You begin to question if you can do it. You begin to make ideas for change but them worry you can’t do what you need to in order to be successful. Some people balk at me when I describe this and say “It’s your own fault. Have a tougher skin,” as though that makes the feelings about the situation go away. It doesn’t. It may be my fault…and what does that matter? We can be upset at ourselves and the situation and still have “tough skin”. When you’re responsible for your business, your books, your blogs, your livelihood, and your dreams it is frickin scary! That’s the bottom line, and when things don’t go as planned it is even scarier

But to conquer that feeling you just have to accept it.

That is something I’m really struggling with because I’m very scared. I’ve been strong armed into spending money over the holidays to maintain certain relationships I need in my life and I have been forced to buy a new phone by relatives(long story). My finances are more than a little tight, which adds stress and anxiety to my life in general. Now writing isn’t just about the money though if you’d like to buy my books please help a sista out. Writing is what I love to do and it is what I can almost always do at any time of the day. My dream career would be to be a team leader/research in a non-profit organization and also have a career writing on the side. I’ve been writing since I was a child and this career is amazing, but it is never stable and always changing with technology and interest. Every day is a gamble. Heck, blogging is a gamble because people make new blogs every day, and even those that aren’t active for more than a week can bury yours to the bottom of the search pile regardless of SEO keywords.

However, to get to where you want to be you have to take that gamble and accept that sometimes you won’t meet a deadline. Sometimes you will discover that what you’re doing needs more time and care than you can give and you have to put it aside. All you can do is accept that sometimes you won’t meet the deadline and that your anxiety about that is ok and normal. More importantly, you can begin to figure out what to do next time. That won’t fix the now. It won’t let you go back in time and finish the project. But it will let you feel like you’re taking a step forward towards completing the goal. That can be the difference between falling into a funk over the situation and finding a new way to push you to completion next time.

What do you all think?

The Real Problem with Cliches

Cliches aren’t an inherent problem. Shocker. I know. You’d never expect Rosie to say something like that, but it is true. Cliches are not an inherent problem in writing or life. The problem with cliches is twofold sincerity and whether or not they’re boring. A cliche fails when it feels insincere. Let’s put it another way your partner can say “You look great”, but you’ll usually be able to tell when they are really serious or just spouting platitudes. Why? Because there is a difference in tone. Whether your reading a book or a blog you can tell the difference between someone writing passionately and with more than a passing interest to get a concept out.

I say this because I think there are a lot of writers who like the idea of writing and the concept of telling a story, but who don’t want to dig into what they’re writing enough to make it feel authentic. You pick up a book or read someone’s story page and your met with an obvious love of the concept of a character or a relationship, but the writer hasn’t made the story worth your while. They love the idea of this handsome young lad sweeping this girl off her feet…but there is actually no relationship between them except for the writer telling you so. They never have serious conversations or bond beyond steamy scenes, and even if your’re left with a bit of enjoyment you can’t quite believe in their relationship.

Plenty of blogs and stories that I started have not been finished for that very reason. They’re concepts with no depth, and that’s how you fall into the cliche. You don’t sound sincere even if you sincerely want to tell your story. D.D Griggs and I talked about this the other day. Whether you are writing non-fiction or fiction there are cliches and themes. She writes self-help books, and 70% of them are similar or have similar themes that are cliches we can all spout to a certain degree. Writers like her put those cliches into a context and a way of living that is incredibly important, but we’re all familiar with self-help stereotypes of conferences, yogis, and hippies. Most people can tell you one common philosophy in self-help, but neither of those things are inherently bad. What makes a self-help book succeed or fail is a matter of someone liking the author’s style, but more so it is a matter of whether that author is speaking from a place of sincerity and belief. That’s what keeps those cliches from being a problem.

When cliches become a problem is when they’re boring and don’t feel genuine. A blogger talking about “the power of positivism” and working out won’t grab your interest if they are just issuing copy-pasted ideas to their audience. If they don’t let you in to who they are you don’t feel like you can trust them because all you see is surface cliches. The same thing happens in fiction. If you have a book about a werewolf romance that is just paint by numbers it may make money…but it won’t make you an audience for the next book. It won’t get you the sort of repeat readers you want because the readers can tell you aren’t in it and you’re not giving them anything interesting. By that same token, someone else can write the exact same plot (and people do this and do it well) but they make the characters more sincere and write with more passion. They try to keep the story interesting and their readers see that. In blogging and ebook writing I see a lot of people just regurgitating what they think will get them blog follows or downloads, and then I go to forums of people upset and complaining about not getting sales. Well, you aren’t giving a unique product. You give something that is pain by numbers…and so have hundreds of thousands of others, which has hurt the market in many ways all on its own. These writers just don’t see how the cliches aren’t what hurts or helps a story or blog or what have you. It is a matter of how something is written and the tone that allows readers to connect.

Cliches can be powerful tools not only when you subvert them, but when you embrace them with the intention of making them interesting and bringing somethign new to the table with all the sincerity you can muster. This not only applies to the page or screen, but to how you talk to people as well. I hope you keep that in mind when writing holiday cards this season or are getting ready for New Years.

Until next time…

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The Distraction of Writing.

Writing can be a very good distraction from life. That can also be a bit of a problem, but right now I find it to be rather enjoyable. When you write it allows you to step away from yourself even if you’re right about you. Your just surrendering to the moment and the act of creating something wonderful. There is nothing more awesome than the exchange of ideas and we’re lucky to live in an age where we can do it from virtually anytime or anywhere.  Since about 2pm I’ve been reading different articles on writing and marketing on different blogs. It’s been very enlightening and I’ve realized that writing is a source of power when used correctly. Regardless of what you write you begin to step away and just go for your thoughts and getting them down on paper or screen. You manage to keep yourself going. Lately I’ve been struggling with my life. I’m not unique. I won’t claim I anything is special about me. I’m smart. I’m talented. And unfortunately that isn’t enough. It doesn’t matter how hard I work or for how long. Sometimes life just doesn’t go in your favor or how you plan. That’s not sad. It is just life, and our goal is to take a step towards what we want with every single day. I got rejected from two literature magizines and the Bitch Media internship I applied for, but does that mean I am bad at what I do? Not at all. What it means is those things didn’t come through. Nothing’s changed and I just have to keep trying. I write. I spend hours on reading marketing, reading in general, and then I spend at least three hours a day writing.

It is a great distraction.

I create worlds and build characters. I make epic action scenes and intensely romantic works that make me smile, and I hope you smile one day. I’ve accomplished a lot in the last two months.  Suffer too Good and Dirty Honey were written and published. I have a few older stories I’m slowly working through. I’ve edited stuff for another author. I’ve been trying to engage more with the world around me and that makes a difference. Depression doesn’t always care, but all of that means something in holding back the tide. I just wish I had a few more bucks in my pocket, but don’t we all.

A lot of times I hesitate in posting these reflections because so often people look at millennials and call us complainers because we should just swallow everything and pretend things are fine. But truthfully I guess I don’t care. If I’m being wholly honest I only care to preserve my image. Yet I will say here I do feel like I’m standing in a realm of possibilities without any chance of getting to move towards any of them. College debt, lack of job prospects, my current job not actually letting me work, and my floundering sales do a lot to damage my sense of self both as a person and a writer. Worse they make me feel unstable. Sometimes I wonder if I should just call it quits. Not because this is hard, but because I don’t know how long I can live with the state of things because I don’t know if anything I’m doing is worth a damn. No one really does know until someone else tells them, and they say the definition of sanity is doing the same thing repeatedly, which sucks because writing is a repeatable practice. The best writers can do is try and recognize that we could be the next Shakespeare, Tennessee Williams, or Arthur Miller but never get our break. BUT we could. Any day now someone can swoop in and pick up your book, click your blog, or hear about your journey….and turn you into the next big thing. Someone could find value in all that you do, and that can revolutionize your entire life.

I hope for being seen, read, and loved. Any writer who tells you they don’t want that is a damned liar and you can tell them I said that. We write to connect if not with others than ourselves. The irony of that is that is what makes writing such a great distraction. Regardless of whether I get my big break or make some cash to pay for my studies I will always hold a pen in my hand. So I work on building my character, my life, and my world into a better place and me into a better self. Writing allows me to think both in and outside myself. It allows me a distraction from the crippling doubt and the depression that makes me wish I wasn’t going to wake up tomorrow. When I can’t sleep from the thoughts in my head I distract myself with stories and writing. The worst nights and days are the ones where that doesn’t work, but luckily those are few and far between. In today’s world every person has to be there best advocate, their best friend, their kindest listener, and in world of creatives their strongest mentor. More than all of that we have to be willing to distract ourselves with our writing because that keeps us going. It pushes us to evaluate, to debate, to think critically, and hopefully come to understand our best assets.

As time goes on I hope to find my place in the world. I don’t want to be rich. I just don’t want to stay poor. I don’t want to be happy. I just want to be content. Until I am able to get to a place where those things I want come true all I can do is write and pray for the best. We all must push forward….the problem is knowing where forward is and how to get there. That’s what no one ever tells you.

 

Burn Out.

Burn out…
Tired brain,
Aching eyes,
Pushing myself until I,
Despise,
Can’t speak.
Can’t Move.
Can only be.

*
I have burned myself out. Editing three books, two short stories, and trying to figure out KDP publishing has wiped me out mentally. Yesterday I discovered something very important to my future may be compromised and I am on the verge of a panic attack. So original content may be sparse for the next few days because I am just struggling. I made rookie mistakes in helping my friend publish her book, and she made a mistake with publishing an enhanced cover with the wrong title…but she won’t be able to fix it until tomorrow, so I have to fix it for her since she won’t be able to. Had to fix a bunch of errors with my new book….oh yeah pre-promo… Suffer too Good is my first release erotic story. I’m hoping I make enough to cover a transcriber since I seem to be getting a bit sick again. I’ll give more info about the book later but I’ll conclude with this…
Being working class fucking sucks. Being poor sucks. Not gettin’ enough hours to live on sucks. But I’m going to put on my best smile because there is only one Rosie and she is a wonderful person.Some weeks are harder than others. this week I’ve nearly hung up the towel and called it quits several times…but here I am. Trying. I’m one of the lucky ones. . So if you ever feel like the world is against you just try and remember you are special. You are fun, and I’m glad you’re reading…so at the very least you’ve put a smile on another person’s face.

Forgive Me

I put aside your name.
I cast you out in the name of
Love. 
What thing have I done?
What crime have I committed?
A great sin weighs on my soul.
Cast out the name of love in the name of
rhapsodies made in easy weightless bliss.
Cast out the feelings and the spite.
A great heaviness clings to my heart.
What can I do to undo this crime?
What can I do except accept the crimes I committed
Destruction.
I cast you out in the name of weakness for other weakness
I put aside your name.

For K.

(Can you tell I’m a trained Shakespearean actress?)

The Antidote to Self Doubt and “No Service” — A Thousand Bits of Paper

Would you like it? Wouldn’t we all – maybe this post will help. I read an article (link posted at the bottom in further reading) on Self Doubt which inspired this post because I’m not at a writing low point – rather because I’m at a high point. Which sounds paradoxical so I’ll explain further. Right […]

via The Antidote to Self Doubt and “No Service” — A Thousand Bits of Paper

I find this a really interesting  perspective.

Guest Blog: “You don’t have to be perfect to kick anxiety’s ass” by D.D Griggs

You Don’t Have to be Perfect to Kick Anxiety’s Ass.

D.D Griggs

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Take that anxiety!

We all wish we were invulnerable. That is just how it goes. We all wish we could take on the world even if all we need to take on is taking out the garbage. It’s easy to just lose yourself to your anxieties especially as a creative. Whether you are blogging, writing novellas, painting, dancing, directing, or whatever there is an added dimension to dealing with feelings of anxiety, depression, helplessness, and failure. Our works are ours, and that makes it harder. Even if we’re on a team of people the things we bring to the table are wholly ours in a way  other things are not. We create something and it comes from the ether of our minds and our hearts. For that same reason entrepreneurial and small enterprise failures hit extra hard. This makes it so easy to blame ourselves when something goes wrong or just when something doesn’t go 100% like planned. For many of us unless something turns out far better than we imagined it may as well be a complete wash.

Your blog only have 10 followers during week one? Fuck it. Not worth it. You not getting sales day one on your book. Chuck the manuscript out a window! Your yoga website getting subpar views in the third month of its existence? Shut it down.

None of that is about giving up in and of itself. It is about the notion of wasting our time being imperfect and unsuccessful because when things don’t go as planned, especially in business the biggest indicator of societal success, the instinct is to just toss it aside as failed. Humans spend out time bemoaning all the things we could have done. Lord knows I do. So why would you waste our limited time on things that don’t put money in your pocket and keep you fed? But you can’t live life this way. You could have great ideas that need polishing. but they get put aside due to self-doubt. And if you’re like me and have anxiety triggered by a deep fear of falling into or never escaping poverty, of feeling like nothing is falling into place, of feeling your plans just aren’t coming together fast enough than it is more than a little hard to ignore that instinct and all the nagging voices in your head.be-real-embrace-imperfection1-600x600

There are times when I descend into my obsessive thought spiral of existential and personal depression. That’s when the only thing I can think about is my fear of continuing to live as lower class, of my dreams never coming true, of my never leading the life I want to lead, and the distinct feeling of being a failure creeps in. In short I’m not perfect, nd I’m not the sort of perfect I thought I’d be when I became an adult. It hurts like a mother fucker. Not to be vulgar, but it is not a fun place to be. In fact I’d say it is one of the worst places to be in. That is why I work so hard to kick my way out.

Now before I continue I’m going to offer this disclaimer both for Rosie’s sake and mine. Anything I say in my book and here is in no way meant to replace actual therapy or medication. If you are like me and you feel you can cope without those things. I wish you luck because you need it. But don’t think you can just ignore crippling emotional problems with behavioral changes and reading this post. The purpose of this is demonstrate behaviors that can help explain and alleviate anxiety related to feelings of failure. The sort of mental work I’m about to talk about is actually designed to support any changes that occur while on medication. Why? Because a lot of times once you are medicated even when you do feel better your depression and anxiety have taught you how to see the world. Much like a parent or a teacher your struggles with anxiety and depression are with you constantly showing you that life is shit, you are shit, and even once you’re medicated that can’t just be undone. Like a muscle your brain has learned to fire certain neurons down certain pathways, and like a bad habit of biting your nails, you don’t have to consciously think of it.

My book The Art of Teaching Imperfection: Everything No One Ever Taught You refers to a lot of positive thinking and learning to retrain those neurons to go down certain pathways in order to change your thought patterns. It isn’t about simply thinking positive. It is about replacing unhealthy behavior and thoughts to consciously positive ones, learning to minimize your negative behaviors(without developing arrogance), and learning to be compassionate enough to yourself to forgive your failings so you can accept them. The biggest mistake people make with this whole approach is pretending you can just…do it. You can change every thought all the time without any effort. As I often say to my friends “Fuck. That. Noise”. Changing how you think, how you act, and how you respond isn’t some mystical over night thing. It is about practicing a new way of being which is terribly difficult. It is totally worth it, but still difficult. This sort of change demands you reach a new level of being conscious of yourself, a dedication to developing discipline, and being ready for it to take some time.

brene-brown-from-the-gifts-of-imperfectionNo change comes over night. I’m doing Nanowrimo this year and I catch myself bad mouthing my writing, and being afraid to share it all the time. But if I focus on my anxiety and fear, if I don’t try to think thoughts that cancel out and minimize my anxiety I won’t do anything. If I don’t do what I love I won’t be happy. This morning I got up and started to write (at 12k words woo!) and I felt so overly critical. No real reason. Just having one of those days where “This is garbage. Why am I even trying? This is shit and people will say so” plays on a loop in my head. If you find a way to disrupt that loop you can better bulldoze through it. For me disrupting the loop involved reading a part of the story I am very proud of, reminding myself other people have liked my writing in the past, and most of all…allowing myself to not be perfect (because for Heras sake it is a draft). I also told myself “It’s ok to not be perfect. I’m not some horrid person and even the best writers have to improve”. There isn’t a single perfect person on this world and you have to begin accepting that.

You also have to begin doing the really hard part of looking inward and understanding where you anxieties come from whether it is trauma or something more mundane or just purely emotionally driven. Sit down with yourself, or a trusted friend, or a therapist and begin to unpack the sources of your anxieties. Why do you feel like a failure? Why do you feel mediocre? What are you doing that you’d like to change? What triggers your reactions to those feelings? Maybe it is making a mistake at work or being chastised. Maybe it is simply you’re plans never looking like you pictured in your head. It could even be you wish you pursued another life plan. When you sit down to write and you find yourself feeling anxious ask your self why? Ask yourself what you  want to accomplish and what it means if you don’t.

Challenge your reactions, your thoughts, and your feelings because that allows you to think of nicer thoughts. As you do this minimize those mistakes, remind yourself it is ok to make mistakes because mistakes allow you to learn. Don’t say “I fucked up” say “I messed up, but I can do better. I can learn from this and grow”. Say “Just because I’m not buying a house at 30 doesn’t make me a failure. My road may just take a bit longer, but I’ll get there.” You can do many things in this life, and you need to embrace that. You need to stop looking at every flaw as an indictment on your character, but as an opportunity. It’s a lot easier than it sounds, but the more I put my words into practice the more I find myself actually enjoying what I’m doing whether I’m at work or I’m working on my books.

imperfection-is-beautyKicking anxieties ass isn’t something you can do at once. For any fight you need to train and the more you train the better you get. It won’t happen over night, but by learning how you think, and teaching yourself to think better you can begin to tackle the hurdles of those negative and painful emotions. The biggest reason people quit therapy and that it doesn’t work is a refusal to change and a refusal to work at it. Not because people don’t want to get better, but because you have to look inward to be able to change your thinking and acting. That is painful and when people are insisting you just change when you wish you just could the whole notion of positive thinking and Cognitive Behavioral therapy seems childish…even ignorant. But you have to train your mind not because you or it is weak, but because the human mind is an incredibly powerful thing. Once you’ve learned to think a certain way and you act on it time after time your mind is used to it. It becomes natural, and feels like a part of you. sometimes I even wonder who I’d be without my depression, but once again…that’s not a way to live a life. Those negative thought patterns are part of you and changing them is incredibly difficult to do because they’ve set in. Like a wound that closes around shrapnel those things are there…but by  beginning this process of altering your thought patterns, replacing them with new happier ones, and reminding yourself that your mistakes do not define you and are minimal parts of your life you begin to get used to new ways of being.

One of my biggest pet peeves are those people who are over helpful and/or dismissive of mental illness. You know the type “Just go for a walk” or “Just be around people”. It is annoying and insensitive because the fact is plenty of people would do that…if they weren’t too anxious at the thought of going out or too depressed to get out of bed. Usually these people are self-righteous and will list 20 new supplements by herbal companies who are as under handed as snake oil salesmen before listening to you.  Now not all of those people are completely ignorant to what you’re going through. Further there is evidence(I’m too lazy to link, sorry ya’ll) that suggests a correlation between exercise and going out to improvements to mood. But that doesn’t automatically change what’s going on in your head.

You have to buckle down and be willing to work every day to try and treat yourself better than you did the day before. You have to tell yourself that:

  • Everyone makes mistakes
  • You aren’t horrible for making mistakes
  • Just because you get upset doesn’t mean you failed at changing your thinking
  • And it is healthy and ok to be upset and uneasy…
  • But that you also can do your best to take steps to be nicer to yourself…
  • Because you’re only human and begin imperfect doesn’t make you a failure…
  • And not getting to where you think you should be doesn’t mean you’re wasting or have wasted your time!

Every day. This is what you have to tell yourself and you know what? You’re still going to struggle. I know I make my advice sound terrible, but I’m not one of those fly by night self improvement gurus who is going to lie to you to sell a book or an idea or themselves. I am telling you the honest to god truth. Changing who you are and how you operate is a life long process…but every day it gets easier. With every moment you get anxious and you try to practice these tools you’re getting better at them. Every time you allow yourself to accept your imperfections, flaws, mistakes, and your need(like all of our needs) to improve you are doing important work. You are getting better and are better preparing yourself for addressing the internal and external struggles you face.

Transformation takes time, energy, and a dedication. There are far many other steps I didn’t cover here, but I wanted to give you a bit of where I’m coming from and share my approach to addressing my anxiety, depression, and feelings of inadequacy. You deserve to live a happier life and if my approach can help you than it is my obligation to share it. I hope I’ve helped you on your road of transformation. It isn’t easy, but you can do better by yourself and others by being kinder and more compassionate to imperfection both inside and out.

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D.D Griggs is the author of The Art of Teaching Imperfection: Everything No One Ever Taught You a novel aimed at encouraging people to no longer feel like they have to be perfect in a world that defines perfection as the ends and the means of success. She’s struggled with mild depression, anxiety, and being overly critical for much of her life even during her most confident periods these feelings haunted her. While she is still on her journey of making piece with those things she has a powerful approach to it all beginning with accepting our imperfections and then turning them into opportunities. Using a philosophy influenced by Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and sociology she makes a compelling case for how we have all participated in pushing each other to accept nothing less than perfection and how that has crippled us. She then uses basic CBT approaches combined with positive thinking to construct easy to follow means for people to be kinder to themselves. Follow her on Facebook!

 

 

Lust, Need, and Sensual Desire:Will You Set My Pants On Fire?

Lust. We all like to think we know what it is, but do we really? Do our textbook definitions encompass the depth and variety of what lust truly can be? I don’t think it does that often, and when we write or talk about lust we have to acknowledge it isn’t as simple as alarms going off in your pant regions. So let’s get down and dirty into what lust is…and yeah we’re also going to talk about pants region. This is only a little taste of this issue, but there is far more to be written about this. I’d love to know you’re opinion!

  1. Lust is more than the sum of how we usually define it…which is a strong desire for sex. You can lust for anything if the passion consumes you. You can lust for cuddling, for understanding, for someone to feel lust for you, and for anything else you are capable of yearning for.. The key to lust, to true lust, is an itching need that almost creeps up your spine like addiction.daring_love_01_00fc Oh we most often relate it to sex, but real lust goes so much  farther. That is what makes it so entrancing to me is because it is something that consumes and comes over you. Lust is a wide sea of feeling and when it comes to writing sexuality it is tied to two things…need and sensual desire. Sure you can have shallow lust. Most people see a beautiful person they’re attracted to and experience the fun shallow burst of “I want you now.” However in portraying a deeper desire you have to unpack what those feelings are. Anyone can want anyone, but there are times you need to have someone want someone, to have them be consumed by an almost compulsive need and overwhelming sensual need.
  2. I’m very…very ultra familiar with lust and need. It often trips people out when I say sex is wonderfully common, but sensuality is the goal for me. It doesn’t happen every time but damn it if isn’t fun. Sensuality is about a few things  and one is namely(but not always)…giphy. The thing that a lot of writers struggle with is conveying the slow dance of characters. Sex begins with a look. It begins with the acknowledgement all parties are geared and ready for the good times to roll. Some of the most sensual experiences a person can have occur with the absence of sex. A slow caress of the hand, a tender kiss, or that single exchange of knowing smiles all contribute to the creation of a sensual energy between people. It can build up creating the tension readers want to feel. It can be intensely sexual and mind numbingly powerful because much like sexual pleasure it simply builds and builds so the sexual act itself becomes release. I’m not only talking about in erotica, but in any genre when you create then mount that tension you instill that in your readers. So they get satisfaction from the sexual culmination of it. This may not be a sexual satisfaction. Often it is a catharsis of knowing these characters you’ve invested in finally acted on something they wanted to do, which another wonderful form of satisfaction. But a word of warning: Sometimes it goes on too long and writers mistake dragging out a romance for tension. My partner and I have thoroughly discussed the fact that CW’s The Flash spent far too long trying to drag out the titular hero’s relationship with Iris West. It felt slow, the obstacles contrived and uninteresting. Ultimately its most redeeming quality is that it reminded me why some characters and people are better starting off as dates/lovers than as “friends with sexual tension”. None of it rang true and ultimately both my partner and I were rolling our eyes by the second season. When sexual or romantic tension drags out too long without tangible and convincing justifications or insight into why the characters decide to drag things out it can drive you mad. If you write this then your characters feel lazily written and your plot hackneyed. I’m proud that I just used that word, and no one can take that away from me.
  3. Need is a key component of lust, but we often talk about it in cliches. A lot of my life has been spent figuring out what it is to “need” someone or something. Once upon a time I thought I needed many things, but now I know I need only that which makes me content. But the need we often use in writing isn’t about existential happiness. No it is about an aching feeling of not just want, but the knowledge you cannot and should not continue without that thing or person. Full disclosure, the notion of “need” is something I’ve always romanticized until recently.In theory it is so romantic, but to me it also signals an immature love. I spent 6 pining for a man I thought I needed and it took him destroying my dreams to make me see that love shouldn’t make you feel that way. You may call me a cynic, but I call it obsession. I won’t claim we didn’t need each other when we were together. In fact I know we needed each other more than anything that we had at the time, but you should be able to stand on your own even if it hurts. If you can’t please think about what you’re feeling because you should never want to stop living because of anyone leaving like that. That all being said need is absolutely beautiful in writing. fuckhard-heart-love-need-typography-favim-com-134749_large The thing about writing a character having a profound need is it can’t just be consuming…you have to make it felt. The sensation of need is one that isn’t just a character wanting strongly. But either: a character experiencing a powerful “realization”, through conscious thought, feeling, or both; a character , usually unconsciously, acting on impulses and a deep desire for someone or something whether recognized or not. Weaving a story where a character isn’t, only or even necessarily denying their need, but a character whose compulsive need/desire for is building is essentially writing about obsession. As I related in my story to have a need is to be obsessed, and that doesn’t last forever. Time doesn’t matter, but there it is most power when the obsessive need builds or when it is felt in a moment. Truthfully I believe need is often momentary, and by that I mean the need comes when you feel their is a risk. It hits you when you ,consciously or unconsciously, feel as though you need to act or cannot act but feel as though if you don’t something will slip away. There’s this weird tie between helplessness and need…and oddly hoarding, which is a common obsession. This is awesome because it gives you a thousand different ways to convey this situation because every single person has a slightly different reaction to need. Some people view it as an invasion by emotion, while others interpret it as this wonderful emotion(sweeping like a good pop song). You can go anywhere

Of course this post barely scratched the surface of it all, but I wanted to begin unpacking a bit of this awesome and complex thing we call lust! What do you think? Do you agree? Do you disagree? Tell me what’s up!

 

Allow Me

Allow me one trespass,
One transgression against myself,
Allow me to rejoice in your softness,
To seek shelter in your laughter,
To relinquish the reigns of self control for,
An eternally mystifying dance,
As I move my hips,
And move to kiss your lips.
It is best if I am good and proper,
But I cannot resist any longer,
Allow me one trespass,
One moment where the world,
Is no longer against who we are.